Random thoughts

The Letter That Never Came

It’s been a hot second since I’ve been able to sit down and write, but alas nursing school responsibilities call. However, I managed to give myself a study break today.

You know, I am not good at taking no for an answer. In fact, I’m actually the worst at it. I usually do everything in my power to get a yes — from parents (I guess it’s helped that I’m the only girl porque la neta estoy bien chiquiada) from friends, from God, from life. But recently there has been a lot of no’s in my life and I’ve been learning how to just trust that sometimes No is good for me.  

I totally experienced my breakup in reverse. The ugly crying, ice-cream eating, media stalking phase did not hit me until this summer. And you know, it was just really hard. Also, warning ** aqui voy a contar todo sin pelos en la lengua so… al que no le parezca pues que no lea. Asi de facil. Jajajaja. But don’t worry, I’m still gonna be nice and respectful because it’s the right thing to do. But I also have to share my heart — it’s all fair in love and war right?

I have found that you become most united with people through hardships. I have bonded so much with others by sharing my hurts and my struggles, so for that I am SO grateful. It has allowed me to become closer to the ones I love most and to feel deeply loved by them in return– what more can I ask for?! On a serious note though, the whole newly-found singleness post-breakup phase has been quite an adventure. I told myself I wasn’t gonna write another post about it, but since writing is therapeutic for me, ya get another one. Hahaha.

I know I am probably treading on thin ice here, but hey, life is life (and it is my blog, so). Maybe the female brain is just super over-analytical and reads into just about everything (or maybe it’s just my brain) but I did a lot of analyzing. It just was not normal for me to never, ever speak to someone who had been such a concrete part of my life for the past 4-5 years. But I just waited. And waited. And nothing. And I just fully trusted in God that if it was better this way, then it was better. But something just wasn’t sitting right with me. So I did what I love to do — I wrote a letter. I had to get closure somehow, and I felt pretty at peace when I prayed about it so I grabbed a pen and some paper and tried to sum up what the heck had been going on in my heart. And you know, maybe the letter didn’t warrant a response; but in my mind, I thought it did.

So, I did some more waiting. But no letter ever arrived to Mexico.

And I am not trying to paint one person or another as the bad guy — God does things and sometimes we just don’t understand why — I simply want to speak to women who have ever been in my position and felt the way I did after never getting a response  — to let them know that they are enough. Because that’s what I started feeling. That I wasn’t enough. What could I have done differently? Was I not beautiful enough? Smart enough? Good enough? 

I get it though; there are always two sides to a story. I didn’t blame him. I knew he had his reasons, and that he probably felt that the decisions he was making were the best for him. But all our actions, whether if they are made for ourselves or not, affect others. And I fed into the lies that my self-worth, my identity, was coming from that situation. But Jesus is always so, so gentle with me (no wonder He loves to use the shepherd/sheep analogy) because He surrounded me with the best supporters who spoke so much truth into my situation. And I just knew I didn’t want to be angry. I didn’t want that in my heart, and I tried so hard to fight it.

Once I got back — I frantically checked my mailbox, hoping there would be something in there to stop that hurt and that anger. Still nothing. You know what; it’s okay. Jesus I trust in you… sorta. But I’d really love some closure. Fast forward to last weekend where I knew I’d be in ATL; Maybe this is my shot! Maybe you want me to meet with him, Jesus? So I prayed about it and I wasn’t all that sure honestly, but for some reason my mind kept telling me that this was what I needed to do. So I sent the text. And then I screamed and threw my phone across the room. No jk, I didn’t do that. But I did feel a sense of relief. I was doing what I could to try to close that chapter definitively, and that somehow felt like a burden was falling off my back.

But I got a big, fat no. And then I cried. Hard. All those emotions of feeling unworthy and unloved flooded me. But you know what? I started to heal after that. The chapter was over and I knew it. I could close the book, put it on a shelf, and know that I was enough because God said I was enough. That He was telling me no for my own good, and that closure would come the way that He intended it to come, and not in the way that I had envisioned. And then like the Holy Spirit frequently loves to do (and I am so thankful for) brought this verse to my mind,  “Puedes hacer todos los planes que quieras, pero el proposito del Señor prevalecera; Many are the plan’s in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails” Prov 19:21. 

And for the first time in some long months, I felt a peace about everything. And I hoped that he did too. And that his new chapters would be filled with love. That I could let go and move on, because I could do nothing more. That it was in the best interest for both of us.

I have let God hold the pen again after mistakenly thinking that I could be it’s best caretaker. Letting Him be the author of my life is so much easier, too. But sometimes we (me) get hardheaded and think we know better (KNOW BETTER THAN GOD OK IZEL WOW, Y R U SO SMART). So now I am glad that sometimes He says no.

— Wanna know something crazy though? I somehow ended up going to mass in the SAME church that we used to go to (literally 2 mins from his house hahahaha my life) but this time with my roommate and a friend I met in Honduras. And people wonder if God has a sense of humor. I literally laughed sitting in the pew. What are the odds?! Seriously, Jesus?? 

But hey, I keep God laughing. Or maybe He keeps me laughing.

lol @ my life,

Izel

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