It's my last day of freedom before the semester starts, and what better way to spend it than to get your teeth cleaned, amiright?
Sadly, I no longer have a perfect record…. they found my first baby cavity. My dentist is the bomb though and kept consoling me, telling me not to feel bad and assuring me he got his first tooth filled at 17, which totally beats 21 so hey. Silver lining. Always.
But anyways, back to the point. I got some good reflecting done in that dental chair. Although I should be feeling peace (and I am in a lot of ways. Isn't it weird how you can feel peace but also have certain matters trouble your heart at the same time?) I'm distraught about a lot of things.
I think I almost teared up when I told my dental hygienist that this was my last go around at Murray State. Not that I'm annoyed either at people asking me about my future, I get that it's out of courtesy and to have something to small talk about but man… why are people so obsessed about your next move? It's almost impossible to focus on the present. People always want to know what's next. I don't even know what I'm having for dinner, and you want me to tell you if I plan to get my doctorate? Okei.
But I get it, talking and planning for the future is fun. Distressing, but delightful in a way. Even though I know ultimately it's whatever God wants me to do. Speaking of which, I think I have a bone to pick with that concept. Does God really care if I'm a dentist or a doctor? Or does He just want me to commit whatever it is that my heart enjoys to Him? Has He made me for a specific job? Because when I look at people, some are SO fit for what they do. And they will say that they always wanted to do that job, that they felt called to do what they do.
This is one thing that makes my heart feel a lil heavy. Because ever since I was little, I wanted to be a doctor. But then, real life happens and suddenly your a senior in high school realizing that getting into medical school is hard, expensive and scary. So I ignored what my heart was telling me to do and I majored in nursing. And this is not to discredit nursing at all because wow it's such a difficult major. My fellow classmates work very hard and it's so demanding. I have loved actually learning about the human body, disease processes, medications and getting to work in the hospital. But I stop and think to myself, God is this what you're calling me to? Is this the right fit for me?
So I've been praying a lot (okay maybe that's a lie — my prayer life needs some major TLC right now) about discerning the next steps and if medical school is in those plans. Because what my heart has always desired is to do medical mission work. THAT makes my heart flutter. It makes it feel alive. It knows that that's what my purpose is. But I also have felt very very called to go to medical school. So I'm just like I NEED SOME LIGHT SHED ON THIS PLZ LORD.
Because I don't regret going in as a nursing major. Nursing school has brought the most wonderfully amazing people into my life and I have loved the hands-on aspect of it. But still. I feel that little nudge to something different. As I was pondering this, my dental hygienist slowly started to raise the chair back into an upright position. And there it was, right there on her shelf. A little sign that read "Always do what you're afraid to do" – Emerson.My first reaction was actually realizing that oh wow I didn't shave my legs today… and I'm wearing a dress. And then my second was Okay God. Is this you?!?
Medical school scares the heck out of me. And I want to make sure that if I choose it, I'm doing it for the right reasons. Not for self gain, not so people can be like wow medical school oooooo, not to feed my own ego — but because it will bring God glory. And I'm such an impatient person — I want God to tell me clearly if it's His will for me or not, but I have a feeling that He's letting me wait it out a little. I know He wants me to focus on the here and now as best I can, and that slowly but surely He'll begin to reveal if the answer is Yes Izel, go for it! Or No my daughter, I have other plans for you.
I never really know where these posts are gonna go — I just feel my heart tighten and sense the urge to write, so I do. And then I hope somewhere in between there's some message for you guys because you might as well get something out of it if your taking time out of your day to read it (lol). And I guess I'd say, don't say no to God out of fear. If He's called you to something, He'll make it possible for you. I wish I had known that truth as a freshman, but then again I'm grateful for the way that things have unfolded. Maybe my fit is as a nurse. Or maybe something else! Who knows. That's what makes life exciting right? But at this moment, He's got me in nursing school.
Hey, you gotta bloom where you are planted. Maybe later on He'll move me to a different garden. But right now, I get to stick people with needles. And right now, that's enough.