I like being in my head a lot. I struggle to want to be in community, to be social, to have to talk. I feel like I’m just not good at expressing myself through words, and I’ve noticed especially this summer that I love to live in the world of thoughts.
Maybe that’s why I enjoy this blogging thing so much. I can just sit back and pour my thoughts out onto “paper”, expressing myself how I really feel deep down inside without the influence that others can exert. I’ve always loved to write. As a kid, I wrote story books and I also journaled (which now I’m really grateful for, even if reading my deep middle school thoughts makes me cringe.) I think I just find a solace and comfort in the world of reflection. It’s easier to make things click inside your mind than to see how they translate into everyday life.
But sadly I know I can’t stay there. I know I have to do something with all the lightbulbs that go off in my head & my heart when I spend time in solitude and meditation. Ugh, and man do I struggle with making this connection. Okay, I understand this truth; I know I have to embrace this concept in my life….. but what does that actually look like!?
Right now, I’m really struggling with forgiveness of self. I have a lot of perfectionist tendencies (except for where I really need them… like in the realm of fitness, exercise and eating healthy) and when I fail, especially when I fail Jesus, I want to just quit.
What’s the point. I’m gonna keep failing, I’m gonna keep messing up, I’m gonna keep sinning, Jesus. It’s really hard for me to accept the fact that, even though my heart burns with a desire to serve and follow Him, I am going to constantly deny Him: in my actions, in my words, in the way that I treat others.
My perfectionist mind tells me: Ooop you done messed up. They just saw you sin. You can’t claim to love Jesus anymore. Which I know sounds really dumb now that I type it all out… but it’s hard to pick myself up after knowing that I did something to hurt my relationship with Christ.
But Jesus comes to meet you where you are. And He loves you too much to leave you there. There’s so much truth out there for your heart and I find it through listening to podcasts, prayer, and especially reading. Below I’ll share some of my favorites quotes to reflect on when I have lost my peace of heart:
– When we have been the cause of some evil, we must also try to rectify it to the extent that this is possible. But we must not distress ourselves excessively regarding our faults because God, once we return to Him with a contrite heart, is able to cause good to spring forth, if only to make us grow in humility and to teach us to have a little less confidence in our own strength and a little more in Him alone.
– If the Lord didn’t forgive everything, our world would not exist.
– The healthy are not in need of a doctor – the sick are… indeed I came not to call the righteous, but sinners (Matthew 9:12-13)
Most of all I think of the woman who was to be stoned for adultery. Jesus tells them that whoever is without sin to take the first toss (paraphrasing here of course.)
But even though He was the only one there qualified to pickup a stone and throw it at her, He didn’t. He didn’t condemn her. So why am I throwing stones at myself if even Jesus didn’t do it?
And I’m still working on giving myself grace. It’s easier to give advice to others than to take it yourself, but whatever it is that you feel you can’t be forgiven for, don’t let yourself believe that lie. Don’t let yourself get stuck in a place where you can’t grow and move forward. Satan wants to keep you there. Don’t give him the pleasure of that.
Jesus always has and always will use broken people to carry out beautiful plans. I stop to think of the ways in which, if I had denied Jesus the freedom of working through me, who would not have heard is voice that day? Who wouldn’t have felt his love?
I am humbled that I can come to Him in that brokeness and be made new every single day. Don’t get tired of asking for forgiveness or forgiving yourself. Maybe one day my heart will fully understand that I am human and I’m gonna mess up, but it’s exactly there that I realize how small I am and how much I need of Him. So maybe it’s a good thing after all.