After a lot of hesitation, anxiety and just plain scardy-catness, I decided to sit down and write about something that has been consuming a lot of my thoughts and my energy: my recent break up.
I don’t owe an explanation to anyone, I thought. But I’m the kind of person who always wants to let someone know my reasons behind things, and I’m super scared of being misunderstood. It’s a cross I have to wrestle with – craving the approval of others – but I’ve been slowly letting Jesus carry that for me. A good friend of mine recently told me, don’t forget that you serve an audience of one, that you do things only for the Lord.
But even then, I created this blog for the purpose of sharing my intimate thoughts, my feelings and what I feel life has taught me thus far, so buckle up guys cause I think this one is gonna be a long one.
This really could go in so many directions. There’s so many things I can say, that I want to say, but knowing that this implicated two people, and having so much respect for that person, I’ll try to share only what needs to be shared.
Ahhhh I don’t even know how to start this so I’m just gonna go ahead and start it. I decided to publish this today because it would have been our 4 year anniversary. Four years…. wow. Four years, I tell myself. That’s a long time. But we were young. I was young. I was 16 going on 17 when I started that relationship and I’m a different person now in a lot of ways. And I can’t blame any one thing for why it just didn’t work out, it just didn’t. It was long distance, which was already hard, and maybe I was just naive.
Did I really think that I was going to end up marrying the first person I dated? In a lot of ways I longed to. And SanJo relationships are tricky. Everyone is rooting for you, you’re no longer an I, but a we. Everyone associates you with your significant other, asks about them and so on. And that was hard, feeling like I let my family down in some ways because I wasn’t going to end up with someone from the same place they’d grown up.
I’ve been reflecting on how to move forward, start anew, and what exactly God is trying to teach me from the recent events in my life. With no bitterness do I look on any of it: in those moments, I was happy. I was in love. It was what I thought I believed in, what I wanted. But life happens. Doubt happens. Timing can be off. God’s plans can not be your plans. And only though His guidance and wisdom, were we both able to discern that our hearts weren’t meant for each other.
Overall, Jesus really has carried me through the tough moments. I’ve been spared a lot of the ugly breakup scene, but I’ve still felt loss. A loss of a genuine friendship. I fondly think back about the innocence of how it all first started. I ended up being his dancing partner for my cousin’s quinceañera, and wow did I feel like I hit the jackpot. I was living my real life fairy tale, I mean I ended up dating someone from sanjo, what I had always wanted. But sometimes what we want is not what God has planned for us.
It’s been tough on my heart being here in Mexico. And especially with a lot of my friends getting married or engaged. Just today I was at a wedding and I kept thinking about how much I would love to marry someone in the same church my parents got married in. To have someone who just gets the whole Sanjose-Mexican-American thing.
I think that’s the first lesson I’ve learned throughout all this: sometimes what we desire is not what God calls us to. And I don’t regret any part of that relationship. He was an amazing guy and I learned so much about myself, life, human relationship, and I really grew. I learned what it felt like to have someone to call your person. But sometimes God asks you to do hard things, because He has so much more planned for you. And it couldn’t not have been a God thing because I felt immense peace. Even though it was hard, and I was confused He inundated my heart with an inexplicable peace. And I learned to just trust Him blindly in the process, amidst hurt, confusion and pain.
The way that things unfolded, there was no doubt in my mind that God was working everything for my good, even if it was a tough pill to swallow. I mean, no one wants to admit to their family and friends that they aren’t in a relationship anymore. It can make you feel like such a failure. But that was a lie I quickly dismantled. I was not a failure. We were not failures. But you can’t fit two opposing puzzle pieces together, no matter how hard you try. Maybe we just both needed to grow. Maybe we are going on different paths in life, I thought.
The amount of spiritual growth I experienced shortly after was kind of crazy. I just threw myself into Jesus’ arms and He held me so securely. He knew I needed to do this. I needed to be so invested in Him first. There has been just way too many moments were I have heard Him speak to me that I can’t deny that this was what he wanted me to do.
And there’s no better thing to live for! That’s another life lesson that I’ve been learning during this new period of my life: to really put Him first. Above everything. I know I’m human and I fail. Epically fail. I’m weak. So weak, especially if I rely on my own abilities. But the blessings that flow, the peace that you receive in genuinely trying to put Christ at the center of your life is just beautiful. It’s fulfilling. It’s life giving. It’s indescribable, and if I could fill everyone’s hearts with that same love and those same feelings, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
But it’s not easy. It requires change, sometimes radical change. And no one wants to do that really. It’s scary….no one wants to cross that bridge. BUT WHAT’S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BRIDGE IS SO WORTH IT. And this is another thing that I’ve tried to do, and did when I was back in Honduras during my post break up moments: to use my story as a way to give glory to God. To show through my own life experiences that even when rough things happen, God is so present in them.
He has given me so many beautiful people to rely on, so many new friendships, so many ways to place my confidence in Him that I can’t deny his goodness towards me. And it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I still have hurt, questions, and confusion in my heart, but his peace drowns it all out. Abandonment is hard. But He provides.
So I wish my ex the absolute best, and I store away all the beautiful memories we shared. And I know that life is tough, rough, and ugly. And breakups in the era of social media are all sorts of complicated. But when it’s His will, there’s always a way. A way to learn to love more deeply, to be grateful for all things, to forgive, and to hope.
And hey, you ever know what life will surprise you with. Maybe I’ll still get a Sanjo wedding in the end, maybe I’ll be a dog lady, maybe I’ll go back to medical school, or become the next Mother Teresa (new life goal). But in the mean time, I’m learning to love my Maker and give Him everything.
Life is too beautiful to be sad, and there are so many reasons to smile! Afterall, love is what makes life worth living.